inside admiration

admiration, for me, is a word that gives a relative context to the state of openness.

when i feel that sense of openness in relation to another - defined as admiration - i look first, to see if there is any envy mixed with it…(which is a mental notion of comparison when ego looks to reinforce itself)

when admiration is free of envy and is simply infused with appreciation (another one of those words that gives relative context) - then that is, for me, that flowing pulsating life force energy that arises…

this energy, in it's naked state is not actually directly toward another person - it is a state that is simply being experienced … that has nothing to do with a sense of “me” or “other".

as relative beings we must attach words… and context. so admiration, appreciation, love, empathy, compassion, gratitude, wonderment, devotion, generosity… all of these words, for me, describe exactly the same feeling… - i am talking about the visceral feeling of the experience and NOT the definition of the word in relational context - an experience of rarified openness, innervation, aliveness... and using words, as i must to describe the experience that has no concept attached, i refer to that as a primary experience... (even "neutral" or "negative" feelings such as surprise, fear, grief - to look at the feeling of it before it is named and judged)

then as the experience is noticed, it is immediately defined and given context to relational experience - using one of those words i mention above - reinstating the sense of "me" and "you" which is secondary to the primary experience.

so in my experience, with admiration - the gift of it is not directing it toward another person, the gift is simply opening… being that open being.


sometimes (often) this openness is mixed with mental contractions of envy, thoughts of inadequacy… where there is a sense of comparing… that fosters a further sense of separation - of the "me" and the "you.

and sometimes there is so much mental contraction and simple mental distraction that the state of openness is covered over and not noticed…

for me, i see that all people have this same experience of openness, but is triggered and immediately defined according to relational context… so admirable qualities are conceptual agreements… and when there is a person that resonates with our personal ideals - then that energetic openness is experienced… so people are admired for different reasons by different people.

so the conceptual notions are fortified… and my ego and your ego are strengthened according to the agreements made about what an admiral quality is.

that's not a bad thing. that's the way it is.

but it is helpful, for me anyway, to be aware of those relational dynamics - to see how my own ego fortifies itself with relationships... and if there is a goal at all for my life - it would be to be open to this rarified openness of living life regardless of subjective contexts and relational conditionings and transient agreements- to live with this primary quality without covering it over with conditions that limit the view and opportunity to live a full life.

it's spring now... and the seeds in the ground know it... and they respond to the seasonal conditions with the potential of what they are. life unfolds. splendour.