currents

perhaps it is folly - but i like the cycles of the moon... and i mark changes with new moons and full moons. there was a new moon just the other day - one of those moons that eclipses the sun... and i could make some fluffy sounding statement of how i feel the moons... and the tides that mark them. yet, i know i do feel them in the most visceral ways - my woman's moon cycle always lining up with the full or new moon - switching from one to the other if there was some sort of event to trigger the change ... like a ceremony.
i guess my body has it's own sensitivity... like my three pregnancies - when i knew i was pregnant the moment the fertilized egg settled into the wall of my womb... i felt the cascade internally all three times - something i cannot describe - an internal whoooosshhhh...

this last new moon i felt some tugs and tensions... i read a post or two from a forum i belonged to - when quite suddenly it was time to lay it down. there was a particular post that triggered it... written by someone perhaps quite sweet and naive ... but i couldn't bare to engage it... so leaving it for others. i really like some folks on that forum - and maybe a few of them will read this.

and concurrently - that same day on the new moon - i found out that my buddhist teacher from Bhutan is coming to where i live... and i have not seen him for years... and that there is a retreat i could go to without losing weeks of work, without spending thousands of dollars travelling etc - something i can afford to do... it would be very challenging on many levels - but i need a challenge i think - to rattle this little life, shaking things loose, opening to surprise.

tentatively i will go to that retreat in late spring. it will be quite different from the last time i did a retreat with this teacher. that was about twelve years ago in the mountains of Colorado... and i was naive and hopeful and full of awe of this exotic Vajrayana path that surprisingly landed right in front of me... i think that is a strength of mine - engaging surprise... it took me to Bhutan after that - and oh my are there stories... then my mind cracked open and all my unresolved fears coming up to the surface where i could see them... one by one - for a decade... a process that still continues.

which brings me to tonight.

and looking in - i feel a tug... a sadness. in my living, and in my relating i want to dive as deep as i can... even with the fallout... with the changed relationships... shaking things up... diving deep shakes things up. this i know. and then there is the balance - of the relationships - blood and bone cording through me to my mother, through me to my daughters. those who, by virtue of their understanding of themselves and their worlds cannot plunge with me. so staying at the surface of things for them... and for me... for the depth that i remember from my own womb...

oh - it's a mishmash of thoughts - but they run in the currents - running through the generations of mothers and daughters that is deep in my psyche. i plunge for myself and i plunge for them as well.